Life In General »

I know I haven’t been the best blogger recently…in fact I have gone from posting at least once a day to posting only a couple of times a week…unusual I know.  So, what’s going on with me?  Simply put, I haven’t been quite right since I had Emmy.  Since I am going to be honest, I can say that I am pretty sure I have been dealing with postpartum depression, and I am only now owning up to it and looking to get help from a doctor.

I usually don’t like admitting weakness…it makes me feel like I am a failure, but I have to own up to the fact that I am not in quite a good place right now.  Some might be imagining me being down in the dumps crying and feeling totally depressed and wacked out.  I’m not.  The best way I can describe it is to say that I have no energy, no drive, no real connection to anything, and I seem to lack the will to just do anything about it…now you see why I am not blogging?  I can’t seem to pull myself out of the kind of fogginess I have been residing in for the past weeks to force myself to do anything…lord knows I have tried.

I’m embarassed…it’s embarrassing to admit that I can’t seem to fix myself.  I just don’t seem to be able to do anything; no trips to Target, no playing with the kids, no going outside, no cleaning, no cooking, no strong emotions about anything including the fact that the house we are moving into soon looks great.  Everything seems to just tire me out just thinking about it…like I’m being bogged down.

I have to wonder if I set myself up for this.  You see, I arrogently assumed that since I recovered quite well and easily from my first two kiddos that I would be fine this time around to.  I should have realized that after having some issues at birth that I needed to be careful.  For the first couple of weeks after having Emmy I felt fine I guess, tired and weak from my bleed and my back being really strained but emotionally all I remember feeling was tired and pretty happy.  After that I just seemed to slowly slide to the point where I am now…basically just sitting all the time ignoring the rest of the world, the exception being Emmy, I am around her and holding her constantly…but walking her around just doesn’t really happen.

I am calling my doctor today…I know I need to…but I feel ashamed.  I know logically I shouldn’t, that it is pobably some kind of hormone thing…lord knows my body has to be wacked out after having so many kids so quickly, but I am still embarrassed.  Everyone expects me to be strong and happy and able to take care of myself…I’ve been doing it forever it seems, but right now I admit that I need a medical boost.

I am behind on blogging and email…I am going to start trying to brag myself back into doing it but it will be a bit.  I need to talk to my doctor (OB or GP?) and start taking something to balance me out so I can get myself back.  This is hard, I feel like I am trapped within myself…there is a part of me that keeps beating at me inside my head telling me to get going, get working, go outside, go shopping, do something; but the rest of me just waves it off and says “later”.

I’m going to try to keep the blog updated…I really do enjoy blogging.  So, that’s where I’ve been…that’s what I have been dealing with and that is why I haven’t been around much or posting.